What does it mean that this girl makes me feel as good as my favorite music feels?  When I set out to stand out to this girl, it worked.  Do I feel like she's it because she actually is it or is it just because she looks good and has that effect on guys?  But I've actually gotten this girl to laugh and making her laugh has meant a lot to me.  We've connected before, in small ways.  We've been on the same wave length.  I say something about interactions she and I had a year and a half earlier, and she gets me with what I'm saying, or she gives an "LOL" like she gets it.  She's a Cancer and I'm a Gemini.  She's more action based.  I'm more intellectually based.  But the same vibe that's in her actions is in my words.

You know, before Jolie told me what I'm "not allowed to talk about" on here, I randomly talked about whatever the fuck I wanted whether it was about her or not.  I prefered it that way.  There was no worrying about pissing her off.  I just talked about whatever I wanted.  My starting my first xanga weblog had nothing to do with her.  Why should she get a say?  That's acting like she's my spoiled younger sister.  Love ain't about that kind of sacrifice, my dear.  Mine ain't meant to be used as a remote control.  I have a fucking contious.  I have my own will.  Free will.  God given free will.  I tried to get her to hook up with me.  I never tried to tell her how to express herself.  There are some instances where I'd let the girl I love control me.  This is not one of them.  This in fact is a way to get to know me better.  It's a way to express myself.  Posting pics of her did honestly make me uncomfortable.  But maybe trust me to do the right thing instead of just telling me what to do or what not to do.  I'm not an idiot.  I graduated from high school the same damn day she did in the exact same place.  Did you know there's know such thing as a learned person?  You're either learning or you're not.  I chose to believe in my music dreams instead of boring the fuck out of myself in college, because that's what mostly happened when I took classes at NOVA.  I loved my friends from then.  The classes were boring as hell.  i'm not paying for that.  Did you know music can help you reach your 6th sense?  Some great musicians didn't even know how to read music.  Jimi Hendrix didn't.  He's the only person in the last century that could be called an actual music genius.  He couldn't even read the damn music.  I'm not obsessed.  I reflected obsession when Jolie and her friends looked at me that way.  Had I ever used her pic as my wallpaper before that?  Not once.  People will temporarily reflect how you choose to see them without thinking about it.  That's what happened.  That happens to even the smartest person you can think of.  I don't do that anymore.  It doesn't feel good.  So, Jolie, hey, I'm gonna start tearin down this wall.  At least from my side of it.  Maybe I'll just bulldoze the fuckin thing.  You wanna let the past hold you down emotionally, go head.  I'm praying for you.  The Jolie I remember had wings.  She wouldn't let nothing hold her down.  Sometimes you had a half cringe/half smile, but at least you were out and about.  You're complicated, but fearless.  You give advice at will on a subject presented to you, even if it's just you're own opinion speaking.  Your not a bad person for anything you've said to me.  I'm not a bad person for anything I've done or said to you.  Those things don't represent you or me.  I'm not saying we were close.  You are a valued acuaintance.  You don't have to be my girlfriend if you don't want to.  I just wanted to tell you that I love you.  That doesn't have to lead to you being my girl for me to be happy knowing you, or the guy you're with.  I'm happy with you, I'm happy with him.  Can't I express my love for you without it asking for a relationship?  I had recently lost someone close to me when I did it.  You don't understand.  My cat hung out with me every day.  She'd come to my room and chill with me.  She liked it when I called her "pretty kitty".  I loved all the other cats I've owned just as much.  She just hung out with me the most out of anyone.  She once got jealous of the dog coming up to my room to see me and attacked her.  Another cat of mine, Buddy, started hanging out in my room because of her.  I'd come home and they'd both be sleeping on my bed.  I'm sorry I verbally attacked you, Jolie.  You didn't deserve that, and from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry.  I guess I just wanted to get these thoughts out.  After she died, my mom wanted to just act like everything was normal.  We had her for 14 years.  How can you act like it doesn't matter?  She was family.  She was with us when I was still a little kid, into Ninja Turtles and all that stuff.  We got her around the time the turtles were big.  Nugget was the best cat anyone could have.  She wasn't like an accessory to the family.  She was my friend.  She was my friend until the end.  My other cats either ran away or died.  the ones who died can't help it, but she stayed when she could've run away.  We were Nugget's family, my mom, my brother, and my sister, and I.

I guess I never learned how to grieve properly.  When I moved to Alexandria, my mom, my brother, my sister, and I moved in with my grandfather.  We moved in like right after my grandmother had died, and he took his grief out on us through verbal abuse, and I guess, Jolie, I accidentally let that come out at you, when I never wished to be like that at all.  I'm really sorry, Jolie.  You deserve better.

This is for you, Jolie.  You never have to do anything you don't wanna do.  I just have to tell you I love you.

http://youtu.be/7aYxMuLb3h8